July 20, 2017
Ladies and gentlemen…. I’m a hater. *drops head* I know what you’re thinking, “No. Not you Angell.” Welp, hate to break it to you but I am. Let me explain. I wasn’t born a hater. lol. I was made to be one. Those that know my backstory know I have been through more than a few trials. Through that, I learned to push myself and always try to be the very best. Notice I didn’t say try to be MY very best. This attitude grew into me vs the world. While I’d love to blame my attitude on being the middle child, I think it was a lot of things. In my developing mind I learned to be critical aka hate first. Now, let me be honest and acknowledge that a lot of my hating was more self directed. How’s the saying go, “My haters are my motivators”…. Well, my “hating” motivated me to run the extra mile, spend the extra hours writing the paper, work the extra shifts, move hundreds of miles away from home, etc. I never saw it as much of a problem. I wasn’t nasty to other people, just very outwardly opinionated when it came to certain things. I also didn’t really let the actions of others affect me, I was too busy doing my own thing. Then hellooooo….. 30’s. There’s something that happens in your thirties, you start to see the world a little differently. I started to miss being as free as I was in my 20’s. I didn’t have a career to consider. I wasn’t expected to be a role model. I could pretty much do what I wanted. Well, social media hasn’t made that an easy loss to get over. I find myself a little envious of those girls that can wear whatever, do whatever, they actually are making a living just being cute. They don’t worry much about judgement, grad school, the pressures of always having eyes watching waiting for you to mess up so they can call you out about it. They don’t have to choose between being pretty and being accomplished. I once had a superior insult me and tell me the reason I had such a strong POSITIVE relationship with the troubled youth I was working with was because I was pretty. I cried many a tears behind that one because all my hard work was diminished in one moment. It also fed my hater because I made it my mission to NEVER let that happen again. Unfortunately, that made me feel like I had to play down my own looks and shrink because I wanted to be known for my academics and not just another pretty girl. Ugh. Thanks a lot mister. After throwing my fair share of pity parties of one I realized that this is the life I chose. I could have been those girls (I use this phrase lightly), but I wanted to make a positive change. My purpose was not to REST on my pretty, but to do something so much bigger! So, while a part of me will mourn the days where I slayed more and was judged less era that was my twenties, I am grateful God has given me such a powerful gift. I can not say that you won’t ever catch me hating….. I mean I AM human, you WILL catch me loving a whole lot more! So sorry to those girls who I secretly criticize, it’s not you, it’s me. lol.